6/11/04 ten days since graduation...I went to Kelli's party tonight. Actually I hadn't even realized it was tonight until about an hour or so into the party, because I was thinking that it was on saturday...but anyhow. Fayth and I talked about school, what we missed. I miss the hallways, just being able to see eveyone's face, knowing I'd be able to talk to Jon and Linda the next day...and them I miss the most. I'd said a lot this year, mostly to my mom or myself, that I hoped to find my best friend in college, but I realized later that that was farsighted. Graduation was great, but in a lot of ways bittersweet. Linda Jon and I all hugged, and, inevitably, I ended up bashing Linda in the head with my own, but when we pulled away it still felt tender, and I saw the tears in their eyes. So I told Fayth how much I missed them. Jonothan, he really was a best friend, and it was just so easy, granted even, that I'd see him everyday, make fun of people with each other, laugh over homestar runner or some cheesey spanish video he brought in. It's not as easy as it is with Linda to just call him up and set up a volleyball game or something...in fact I never even saw Jon outside of school the whole five years of it, the loser never did anything outside of school. But I miss him, so much...the other day I saw this really low-budget commercial with a bunch of fat guys dancing about putt putt and I thought for a split second that at school the next day I'd have to imitate it for Jon.
The years were so much fun, and its a pity what clarity that comes to after they've ended. But we all know that happens, and anyway, I'm an optimistic person...
5/30/04 I just can't wait for all those billions upon trillions of cicadas to come crawling their way out of the ground. I can imagine waking up one day to an inhuman drone outside my window only to pull up the shade and find the glass covered with a swarming mass of them...or perhaps I'll find myself outside and for some reason will look down to find two bright red eyes emerging from the mud in my flower bed. And suddenly the bed will be covered with the eerie red eyes and I'll look up slowly...dramatically...before a great black cloud of the insects flies for my face. Yes, it'll be like The Day After Tomorrow meets Starship Troopers. I can't WAIT!
so right now I'm waiting for my aunt Michelle and Cousin Kasey to arrive. My mom and brother just picked them up at the columbus airport...so they'll get here eventually. They're the kind of relatives that you don't mind seeing...y'know you think of some like "ok, I have to come out from the darkness of my room to greet and say hello and smile and chat about my 'plans'" but not these two. I'll probably have to take up the "plans" talk evetually, but not before we spend some time laughing at each other for whatever reason. I only wish I'd actually seen my aunt before last summer...but that's another story. Anyhow, she and Kasey are fun, I like them.
graduation's coming up...I'm looking forward to a lot of things on that day. besides getting my diploma and officially graduating and all that...I'll also be going over to Morgan's afterwards, hehe, which makes me excited. I'm looking forward to a lot of things this summer...and I don't really know of anything that'll be happening. The prospects all just feel good, and I like that...epecially when the prospects involve a lot of Sean-seeing-time :p
painting your new room might just result in some horseplay, you know...
5/11/04 I'd figured that after finishing all the AP testing, I wouldn't have to go back to any of those classes...obviously that was in vain. I don't mind too much, but it felt to me that school was out a week ago. I didn't think I'd be so anxious to get out.
I was very lazy today. My feet were heavy on the steps, and I'll blame the heat for how I did in gym today. Its not as though anyone needs to rate their performance in gym, but I usually participate, and damn it was hot...so not today. I rather hate this weather, and considering the heat now, the summer's going to be hell.
there was a bug in my hair when I got home. It was this little green bug that I felt sorry to smash, but as it was a reactionary thing, it was hard to avoid
hm...its one of those days
5/9/04 I woke up with my eyes closed this morning. On mornings like that I'm usually either trying to remember a dream I just had, or am too bored with the prospect of the day ahead of me to get out of bed. And usually I've been woken up by the slam of some cabinet door, or the screen door, or my parents who subconsciously communicate through yelling early in the morning. I guess 10:40 isn't early in the morning, but...
At the dance production last night, one of the pieces was to Mr. Dickey reading poetry. I had Mr. Dickey for creative writing in 8th and 9th grade, and though everyone has their stories about him, what a sucky teacher he is, I really don't remember much about him. I mostly remember that Nathan kid that got sent to cj being an asshole... I hated that nathan kid, he was such a perverted little bastard. About this time in my life I was friends with Meagan Cruie (if I spelled her name right, that'd be amazing), which means I was either really naive *cough*, or desperate. Either way, I remember her gushing over the creep nathan kid all the time. I think one time she made a comment about him giving her this airfreshner...?...that was a picture of jesus and supposedly smelled like mistletoe? I don't know, it smelled like crap...but that's a tangent...eventually she started dating him and would tell me about all their phone conversations, and so on, and so on, and so on...guh. I learned more about him through gossip, and that was just fine. I think he was expelled for a time when I was a sophomore, cause I remember having to run an errand for mrs. mak to get him out of home ec, hehe, and I'd though he'd been kicked out. But no, I had the pleasant discovery of finding him still enrolled, and had to bring him to her room. I tried to walk at least five feet away from him, but nevertheless, I was in front of him. My mistake.
But as that wasn't what I wanted to talk about, let me get back to it...poetry. Last night I was thinking about how I write, and how much my style's changed since I dropped creative writing. not to say that mrs. mak ever did a flipping thing for me, but I think that writing everyday and working so personally is what really helped me. There was a uniform style of writing in that class, much int he same way that Mrs. Whipps commands a uniform subject matter and execution in her art classes...the portraits, their poses, all photo realistic styles...I don't feel unique at all. Anyhow, I remember whenever we sat down in Maks class to read out poetry, everyone's had the same rhythm, the rhythm she told us to read in became what we wrote in. There were only a few that broke it, and those were generally thought low of I remember. Last night, Mr Dickey read in that same exact rhythm. We've been taught to follow this uniform since we came to the school, only a few of us develop their own style, most of us aren't unique in any way. Djuna was talking about this to me. She said I've mastered something but I've never moved on, and I haven't reached the next step because I haven't learned how to utilize what I've mastered. And at one point I was afraid I'd reached the peak in my talents, because I couldn't take any inspiration from any of my works, writing or image. But there's been too much fear in conceptualizing here, and so much blind focus on development, that has only led us to believe that what we're developing is our style...and its not, it's only the first step. I just thought of that when I was listening to how incredibly similar Mr. Dickey's reading was to nearly every creative writing student...
I realize that one of the things I've been most scared of in going to an art school next year, is that every person has their own, and I've yet to truly find mine.
5/8/04 My throat is coated in mucus...is that how you spell mucus? My nose is also kind of split at my left nostril...and scabby, and it's annoyingly painful. hehe, I was told I probably look cute when I'm sick too...
5/7/04 ugh...sick sick...though I was happy not to be at school today, I also missed seeing Sean, who I talked with today. There's a feeling that's been hanging over my head about the two of us. Inside I'm trying to be optimistic about our situation, me going off to Maryland in...three months...oh god, is it that soon? To be honest...I'm terrified, about everything, going so far away to a new city I've only been to once, falling into a new life and new routines, on my own. And I'm torn as well. I want to be able to see the two of us together after it all... Being in love is an insecure thing sometimes...though the idealism is that it never is. I'm unsure about so much, and I just want to know that through whatever is ahead, at least we'll still be. I don't know...I suppose there's no telling. There are many instances in which I feel incredibly selfish...like today. I know that he has big plans for his life, no matter what he'll follow them. Like me. I know this, but today talking over the phone I felt sad, and somewhat fearful to hear them. He wants, and he has for awhile, to go out to Colorado to fight forest fires. Of course I'll support him, it's the perfect direction for him, it's what he wants.
Yet...the distance isn't even between us yet and already it's so tangible in my head. The chances and the obstructions in the way of seeing him seem to grow larger sometimes than my happiness in us, for him, and even excitement for my own future. I'm trying to have an open mind about that, my future. I'm going to work hard, meet people, get a life, all that jazz...it's overwhelming, and it's terrifying, and I'm trying to look at four years in the long run.
but who really knows...
5/3/04 Its a lovely feeling when you find an outlet to disperse all stress. Today was pretty drab, and I was easily frustrated by things. Afterwards I went looking for a prom dress to no avail and driving home almost rear ended the car in front of me cause the stupid blank slammed on his breaks out of nowhere (*cough* wasn't my fault at all...i was at least a good twenty five feet away..). *sigh* I've said before how much I hate shopping with my mom, shes just stressful to be around in that kind of atmosphere, sales people you just don't feel like talking to, finding nothing that will suit you, and blah blah blah...my complaining has reached the point of being obnoxious I think...oh wait, perhaps it passed that already...the point of being-now-without-a-point, thats it.
just rambling away
people have asked me before why I tend to use British profanity a lot. So sometimes I'm caught saying "bugger" and that makes me a wannabe Brit? Bloody hell!
5/1/04 That means that my 18th birthday is in 20 days...yeehaw! I was out tonight with Sean and Morgan, and their friends Sandy and Betsy, who I just met for the first time. I thought they were a hilarious bunch, I had a good time. I was looking for a prom dress...but I got a few t shirts instead. Yeah, equal trade. Sean bought me one...and-ah! anyhow! I'm going to MICA next year. I'm going to MICA, in Baltimore, eight hours away, 500 miles...of turnpike. The biggest fear I have is the distance, but I'm exhilirated in that I've followed my first choice, and that I'm able to finally realize it. Yes, its overwhelming to think of it sometimes, but I'm happy, so happy. Speaking in all honesty, I will miss Sean the most terribly...it will be harder as the day comes closer I think. I'm dedicated to my choice, but...it will be one I may have to brave at times, especially in my mind. Let me lay it out honestly, how I feel about things, what I haven't yet expressed. My dream. I am an illustrator, making my way up towards becoming recognized in children's books for the art before the author. I'm working for scholastics in New York City, have a small house/perfect apartment, and I own an airedale puppy (I had to throw that in there). The best part: I'm with him. Knowing how simply perfect it feels to realize that every night is ours, that we've transcended the barriers we have in front of us now, and that...well, I felt as we were in Sandy's car on the way home today, or maybe wished as best I could, of going home with him. It feels to me that we've been getting closer and closer, and I'm loving it
*sigh* and its damn hard to let go of him sometimes.
ah, I'm probably sounding incredibly gooey... haha, I loves my man :p that's why he's got a bloody lip afterall...it was just a loving punch in the face...
